


it's enough

by itsmylifekay



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:54:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23818030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itsmylifekay/pseuds/itsmylifekay
Summary: Buck's not taking the whole losing-Eddie-ordeal very well. In fact, it's been a star player in his nightmares, overtaking the truck and tsunami and generally making his life a mess. It's far from optimal. Thankfully, Eddie figures it out eventually with a little help from Chris.Or, Buck has nightmares, Eddie helps him deal, and feelings are made known.
Relationships: Evan “Buck” Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 37
Kudos: 392





	it's enough

“Daddy, what do you do when _you_ get nightmares?”

Chris is looking up at him with wide, innocent eyes still a little red-rimmed from crying. It was getting rarer, but he still occasionally woke up to Chris shouting Buck’s name and thrashing in the sheets, reliving and fighting through something that Eddie could never fully understand. It still breaks his heart every time.

“Well, I usually just try to go back to sleep,” he says. “Sometimes I read or watch TV until I feel better.” He brushes a hand through Chris’ soft curls, worry tightening his chest. “Why? Are yours getting worse?”

Chris shakes his head. “No.” He pushes his face into Eddie’s neck and lets out a sigh. “But I think Bucky’s are really scary. I want to help him.”

“Buck?” He pulls back to try and get a better look at Chris’s face. “Why would you say that? Did something happen the other day when he was here?”

Buck had helped him look after Christopher for a while, but as far as he knew they’d just watched movies and had a dubiously healthy dinner before Eddie got home. Nothing had seemed amiss at the time.

“He fell asleep and started yelling. It was scary.”

“You were scared of Buck?”

He hardly has time to entertain the idea before Chris is shaking his head vehemently.

“No, Buck would never hurt me. But it was scary that he was in trouble and I couldn’t help.”

Eddie understands that feeling completely. There’s been too many times in his life he’s been stuck on the sidelines while someone important to him was in pain. It worries him that something might be wrong with Buck, that he might be suffering and Eddie hadn’t even known. But that’s for him to deal with, not something that needs to weigh on his son’s small shoulders.

“That is scary, isn’t it? And I’m sure Buck didn’t mean to scare you. Did you two talk about it after?”

Chris nods and sets his head back down on Eddie’s shoulder. “He said he was okay and that I shouldn’t worry. I gave him a hug, just in case.”

“I think you did just right, buddy. And I think Buck was right too, you don’t need to worry. Buck is going to be fine. And _you_ need to go back to sleep. It’s a school day tomorrow.”

When Eddie shuts the door softly behind him a few minutes later, he still can’t shake their conversation. He wonders what Buck’s nightmare was about, and how bad it was for it to scare Christopher. They’ve been doing a lot better since the lawsuit and the fight club and all the trust that had been broken between them. But it still isn’t perfect, there’s still a thin, intangible wall between them that Eddie isn’t sure of how to break.

Sometimes, he just wants to take Buck by the shoulders and pull him into a hug, not let go until they’ve sunk back into each other like waves in the sea. Other times, he’s not sure if he should even try, if he’d be pushing for the right reasons or for something entirely selfish.

He likes Buck. Likes him way more than a coworker or even a friend should.

When he’d been at death’s door yet again, rope cut and no clear way out, he’d thought of Christopher and he’d thought of his life, and he can’t deny how much of both of those things were so thoroughly entwined with Buck—his presence, his smile, just… _Buck._

It makes his heart tighten even now, just thinking about it. Buck is a part of his life, and he never wants to let that go, can’t risk jeopardizing it because he’s pushed too hard too fast.

Everyone has nightmares every once in a while, right? Christopher happening to be around for one of them shouldn’t make him feel so worried. He’ll just…watch a bit more closely, make sure Buck is getting enough sleep and acting right. That’s all.

That’s enough.

\--

Except it’s not. Not at all. Not when now that Eddie’s looking closer, peeking over the edge of his own trauma and the palpable relief still lingering in the firehouse, he can see that Buck _is_ struggling. It’s subtle, but it’s there. His eyes are duller, his laughter not quite as loud, and when he sleeps it’s on a hairpin, hardly allowing himself to relax enough to get well rested at all.

So he breaks, and claps a hand to Buck’s shoulder midway through shift after another routine call.

“Hey Buck,” he says. “You free later? Chris wants to try cooking something again and he says I’m not allowed in the kitchen.”

“He’s a smart kid,” Buck teases, laughing when Eddie knocks him to the side.

“You coming or not, Buckley?”

There are crinkles at the corner of Buck’s eyes. A real smile. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, I’ll be there. What time do you want me?”

_Always_.

“Whenever you’re free.”

\--

They’re sprawled on the couch later that night, stomachs full and Chris already passed out between them. It had been a great evening. Buck had come over right after work and Chris had practically screamed in excitement, rushing to the door as soon as he heard Buck’s voice.

They’d cooked together in the kitchen with Eddie leaning in the doorway, watching fondly even though he’d been unceremoniously banished from the room. _His boys_ , safe and happy and home. It had felt perfect, still mostly does, except for the way he’s watching Buck’s head bob up and down as he fights sleep.

Eddie stands and pats Buck gently on the knee. “I’ll take him to bed,” he says softly, already gathering Chris in his arms. “I’ll grab something for you to wear in just a minute.”

Buck’s face scrunches in adorable confusion for just a moment, but then he’s shaking his head. “It’s okay. I should head home.”

“Buck,” Eddie readjusts Christopher and makes sure to keep his voice low. “It’s late, you’re tired, just stay. You two can make another mess of my kitchen in the morning.”

That, at least, gets him a small smile and he makes a break for it before Buck can protest further.

Chris doesn’t stir and it doesn’t take long for Eddie to get him tucked into bed, lights off and door ajar as he swings by his own room to scrounge up a shirt and some sweatpants for Buck to sleep in. He doesn’t waste any time, still a little worried Buck might try and just slip out while Eddie’s not looking.

But he’s still there, slumped over on the couch and watching football highlights on TV. Eddie is struck by how much he wants to just hold him, take him to bed and make sure he sleeps, make him feel safe. But that’s another line he’s too afraid to cross.

“Here,” he says instead, holding out the clothes. “The guest room should still be all set up for you to sleep in.”

Buck takes the clothes and Eddie takes a deep breath, blows it out again in a sigh.

“I’ll uh, see you in the morning then?”

Buck just nods, gives Eddie a smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yeah, see you in the morning.”

\--

His clock says 3:17 when Eddie’s eyes shoot open, technically morning but still far too early for any reasonable person to be awake. He groans and scrubs a hand over his face, wondering what woke him up and holding his breath, listening, hoping it’s not Christopher with another nightmare.

There’s a beat of silence and then he hears it, choked off and low but still audible through the walls of the house. Eddie’s out of his bed in a flash.

The door to the guest room is closed and Eddie quickly slips inside, heart in his throat as Buck continues to cry out, audibly thrashing in the sheets.

He flicks on the light.

“Buck,” he says carefully, trying to make it carry but not loud enough to wake Chris. “Buck, it’s just a dream.”

Buck makes another noise, strangled and painful, letting out what sounds almost like a sob before the thrashing stops, replaced instead but low, panicked breaths. He’s absolutely still, face a mask of terror, and Eddie feels his heart drop to his stomach, can’t imagine what Buck’s reliving to make him look like that.

“Buck, c’mon,” he whispers, sitting at the edge of the bed and wondering whether or not he should touch. “Buck, you’re safe. It’s okay.”

Buck _keens_ , makes a sound like someone’s stabbed a knife right into his heart, and Eddie is horrified to notice the tears staining his cheeks, is even more horrified when he hears something that sounds suspiciously like his name escape from Buck’s lips.

He can’t stop himself any longer, reaches out and places a careful hand on Buck’s shoulder. “Buck, you’re okay. It’s just a dream. You’re okay.”

This time, Buck’s gasp of _Eddie_ is undeniable, as is the pained, muffled sob that follows a moment later.

It feels like Eddie’s entire world is shaking, heart stuttering in his chest as he tries to think of what to do, how to help. Suddenly, Chris’ innocent question makes so much more sense. This _is_ scary. And, like Chris, he can only think of one thing to do.

He gathers Buck up in his arms and holds him, prays that it’s the right thing to do as Buck continues to hyperventilate and shake against his chest.

“You’re okay, Buck. You’re okay.” He runs a hand across Buck’s shoulders and down his back, ignoring the trembling in his own fingers. “You’ve just got to wake up, querido. I’m right here.”

Buck’s breath hitches and Eddie tightens his hold.

“That’s it, I’m right here. You’re okay. Wake up for me, Evan. Come on.”

Buck gasps against his neck and Eddie looks at the ceiling, lets out a shaky sigh of relief before leaning down and pressing a kiss to Buck’s temple.

“There you are, querido. You’re okay. Shhh, you’re okay.” He keeps rocking them as Buck shudders, hands tightening in Eddie’s shirt and pulling him closer, burying his face in Eddie’s neck and not letting go.

The rest of the house is quiet, Chris mercifully still asleep, and Eddie suddenly wishes he hadn’t turned on the light. Everything feels too raw, too exposed. He can’t imagine how Buck feels.

He moves to turn it off, but Buck jerks, clings to him tighter and muffles panicked breaths into the skin of Eddie’s neck and the soft fabric of his shirt

“ _Eddie_.”

His voice breaks halfway through and Eddie’s heart breaks with it. He immediately settles back down and hauls Buck into his lap, never mind that he’s over six feet over of muscle and long limbs. Buck curls himself smaller, tucks himself into Eddie’s arms and sucks in wet, shaky breaths.

Eddie doesn’t say anything, just runs his hands over every part of Buck he can reach, wipes away tears, holds him close. It’s all he can do.

He just hopes it’s enough.

\--

It’s still dark outside the window when Buck finally sniffles and shifts in Eddie’s hold, suddenly clamming up in a way Eddie knows is more from embarrassment and shame than any lingering fear.

Eddie runs a gentle thumb beneath his eye, over drying tear tracks and reddened skin.

“It’s okay, Buck,” he says, voice soft. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Buck looks away, hides his face.

Eddie lets out a sigh. “We all get nightmares, querido.”

Buck doesn’t say anything, but he doesn’t try to pull away either. His hand clenches tighter into the fabric of Eddie’s shirt.

“You were saying my name,” Eddie whispers, heart arching with worry and pain and a little bit of hope of what it might mean. But also a little bit of fear. “Did I do something bad, in your dream? Did I hurt you?”

Because that would be enough to crush him, to shatter him into pieces that no one could ever hope to put back together. But he’d also have to accept it, just another consequence of his stupid anger and his inability to ask for help, his inability to protect the people he loves, his inability to be _enough._

“You left.”

It takes him a moment to register, completely unexpected as the words are, and even then his brow furrows in confusion. _I left?_

“Buck, I’m right here.”

Buck shakes his head and his hands twitch before he pulls them back into his chest, pulling away. Eddie immediately misses their warmth.

“You left,” Buck says again. “You cut the rope. _You left me._ ”

Realization crashes over Eddie like a tidal wave, threatening to drown him in the all guilt and swirling possibilities of exactly what that means, of what it sounds like. Hen and Chim had told him Buck hadn’t taken things well and he’d noticed Bobby hovering over Buck a bit more than usual, but apparently he hadn’t taken any of that as seriously as he should have.

Because now Buck is curled up in his arms, wrung out and tired and coming down from a god-awful nightmare that is apparently all because Eddie had _left him._ Had made the choice to sacrifice himself even though he knew what he was leaving behind.

It had been painful, thinking of Chris and Buck, his family, his friends, but in the end it hadn’t really been a choice. He hadn’t fully considered how painful it must have been for the people who he was leaving behind. For the people who were _right there,_ supposed to have his back.

“I’m sorry, Buck,” he says. “I’m so sorry. I never wanted to leave you. I never wanted to do that.”

He tentatively covers one of Buck’s hands with his own, picks it up when Buck doesn’t pull away and places it over his own heart.

“But I’m right here, I came back. I fought so hard to come back to you.” He squeezes Buck’s hand. “You and Chris. Both of my boys, my family.”

Buck’s fingers clench into the fabric of his shirt and Eddie feels almost lightheaded with the weight of the situation. He’ll blame that on what he does next, hands reaching out and tugging at Buck’s thighs until the younger man is straddling his lap, looking down at Eddie with wide, red-rimmed eyes.

Eddie’s hands reach up to frame his face.

“You are so important to me, Evan Buckley,” he says. “Believe me when I say I will _never_ leave you, not if I have a choice. I will always fight to come back to you.”

Fresh tears spring to Buck’s eyes and Eddie wipes them away with his thumbs.

“I’m right here. You didn’t lose me. I didn’t leave you.”

Buck’s hand is still right above Eddie’s heart.

“Me and Chris…” he says, slow, like he can’t quite believe what he’s saying. “Your family?”

“That’s right, querido,” Eddie smiles, figures it’s too late to go back now. “I love you both so much, I could never go anywhere without you.”

Buck lets out a laugh that sounds suspiciously like a sob, wipes at his eyes and thumps his hand weakly against Eddie’s chest.

“You asshole,” he says. “You can’t tell me that now.”

“Mmm,” Eddie hums. “And why’s that?”

“Because I’m a mess.”

Eddie smiles and pushes some of Buck’s hair off his forehead. “But you’re _my_ mess.”

Buck flushes and shakes his head.

“You’ve got snot on your shirt, you know.”

Eddies shrugs. “It’ll wash. Right now, I’m more concerned with whether or not you’re going to run away now that I’ve told you.”

“Who’s running away,” Buck mumbles, climbing off of Eddie to flop back down on the bed with one arm flung out in Eddie’s direction. “Now come here and hold me before we actually have to get up.”

Eddie’s eyebrow lifts. “Just like that?”

“Eddie,” Buck says. “I’ve been waiting for this for at least a year. Now get over here before I go cuddle with Chris.”

Eddie doesn’t need more convincing with that, grabs at the sheets where they’d been kicked to the foot of the bed and brings them back up over them both, spooning up behind Buck and looping an arm around his waist, dragging him tight to his chest.

Buck sighs and settles against him immediately. Eddie smiles into the nape of his neck.

“A whole year, huh?”

Buck sniffles, laces their fingers together and holds Eddie tight. “Not my fault you took forever.”

“Sorry,” Eddie says. He presses a quick kiss to the back of Buck’s shoulder. “Hopefully I’m worth the wait.”

“You are,” Buck says, already soft like he’s half-asleep. “You always have been.”

Something warm and perfect blooms in his chest at the words and Eddie pulls them tighter together, wants to breathe Buck in and never let him go.

There will be more nightmares and obstacles and struggles ahead, but they’ll face them together. They won’t be alone.

A mutual promise of _I’ve got your back._

That, Eddie thinks, is _more_ than enough.


End file.
